THE LOVE THAT WAS NEVER ENOUGH

I have been doubting love for as long as I can remember. 

I was once a victim of that so called ‘love’.

Gave too much and received a little.

Loved too deep and fell too hard.

I was a witness to a true love that wasn’t enough.

They loved each other, but love alone couldn’t keep them together.

They were hurt too much and sacrificed a lot.

But sadly, the love they thought would last, ended bitterly.

When they met, they knew next to each other was what they wanted.

They believed in forever and made a vow.

For better or for worse.

But death didn’t do them apart.

Love was never enough, but they tried.

And tried

And tried

They tried until there was nothing left to fight for.

They knew they loved each other,

But they needed to let go.

They loved each other so much they had to let each other go

To save the other from all the pain

It was for the best.

Maybe one day they’ll meet somewhere,

Maybe in a place they used to go to,

Maybe by accident, or by fate.

Maybe someday they can look at each other and smile.

Maybe they can have coffee together and talk like old friends.

Maybe not to start over, but to thank each other for letting go.

For loving each other truly even if it means that they’ll be happier apart.

MORE THAN FRIENDS

He made me believe we had a chance.

We were so good together.

We clicked, no awkward silence, no hesitations.

Basketball was his passion. And I admired him for that.

He played ball, worked hard and sold shoes.

I studied, sold pastries and graduated.

Business was in our minds.

We often talk about opening up our own businesses.

We stayed up until the sun rises just talking about anything and everything under the sun.

We enjoyed our little group and drinking sessions.

We smoked, ate, kissed as we bid each other goodnight.

We go out at midnight and lay side by side.

Felt our bodies as we intertwined.

We sneak out and make excuses just to be together.

He was the guy who didn’t change even after being more than friends.

He was the guy I have been looking for all this time.

He wasn’t perfect. Nor was I.

Like me, he had a dark past.

So who was I to judge him?

I accepted who he was for what’s important is who he is right now.

We both have gone through hell in our pasts.

But that’s the thing about pasts, it prepared us for something better, and that was us.

If we didn’t go through what we have gone through, we wouldn’t have found each other and matched.

We weren’t looking for love. None expected all of this.

We were just two people, who found each other.

Not two halves that make a whole, but two wholes, making a bigger whole.

We complimented each other in a way that makes everything better.

We could have been perfect for each other.

Together we could’ve built an empire.

We were a match. Maybe that’s why we burn out.

We enjoyed each other until it became complicated.

We were at a point where we needed to make a conclusion to whether we’ll go further or not.

We were both confused as to where we stood in each other’s lives.

None would have the courage to take the relationship further.

We left it at “more than friends”.

We made each other believe we had a chance.

That’s where running became my everything, my excuse, my distraction.

It was my escape from the pain of what might have been.

TO MR. FUTURE

            Hi, we probably haven’t met, or maybe we’ve passed each other on the streets or you’re probably one of my friends or acquaintances. Anyway, hello Mr. Future.

I am writing this to inform you about the things that I probably won’t be able to say nor show you at first, because I have this thick shell protecting my inner self. You see, I’ve had my heart broken, by that I mean shattered. We may get into those details when the right time comes. But that heartbreak took away my ability to trust. I’ve locked my heart and kept it in a place where even I can’t have access to it sometimes. I shut out anyone who could possibly love me in the fear of getting hurt. And whenever I give a prospective lover a chance, and when I find myself wanting him, or even considering of letting him in,  I back away and always give excuses like ‘there’s no spark’, or ‘he’s not the one’ or ‘I don’t need a man’. You know, those kind of bullshit.  

            You see, I’ve been single for a long time now. I’ve had my fair share of “alone time” and have learned a lot about myself. I know what I want and have a lot of dreams for the future. I’m now used to doing things on my own and not afraid of being alone. Yes, I am almost always alone, but I’m not lonely. I’ve learned the art of enjoying my own company. I’ve dedicated most of my time studying and doing business.

            But I lack intimate and emotional experiences. When we meet, please be patient with me. I might not be able to fully express my feelings for you even if I really want to. I’m so used to hiding my feelings that I myself am having a hard time expressing it. I might be indifferent and you might think that I don’t want you when in reality, I do.

            Please take your time with me. You might need to knock my thick shell a couple times. When we meet, I might not know what to do. So please guide me through it. I might now know how to react to your gestures and may miss a couple of hints. Don’t get intimidated if I come out as too strong or too independent for your liking. Believe me, that’s just my façade.

            Mr. Future, If we’ve met and we’ve been spending time together, if you want me, go ahead. Chances are, I want you as well. If you feel that there’s more than what we have right now, that’s your cue. Stand firm and knock my fucking shell. But then again, please be patient with me, because the thought of wanting you scares the living shit out of me. It scares me a lot.

            So, Mr. Future,

            I’ll see you soon,

            I’ll see you later,

            Or I’ll see you tomorrow.  

P.S.

            Be strong for the both of us.

TWO THINGS SINGLE PEOPLE WON’T UNDERSTAND

                                    

1.   ASKING PERMISSION

I am surrounded by friends who are currently in a relationship. Don’ t get me wrong but I just don’t get why they have to ask permission as to whether they can do things or go to places with their friends. It’s like they’re asking permission to their lover more than they ask their parents. (Makes sense right?)

And if their lover says ‘NO’, then that’s the end of it. No buts, no explanations. If they do insist, they have to prepare a 500+ slide as to why they have to do the activity or go to places with their friends. AND the said friends should be approved of by their lover. If the lover doesn’t like the friends, then it’s clearly a NO.

Okay, enough with the rants. As an individual with the gift of single blessedness, we kinda don’t get it. Why do you have to ask permission to do a movie marathon with your girl friends? Or meet a former classmate whom you haven’t seen in years? You get my point?

Well, as bitter as I might sound right now, a part of me actually understands. You’re in a relationship and there are rules that you have to follow. And you comply out of respect. Sure, it’s sweet that your lover is being protective and all, but sometimes they tend to be a bit overboard. This might sound cliché or something but isn’t love enough? Enough to trust your lover? Forbidding them to do things, well for me, is like commanding a possession. You shouldn’t tell them what to do but instead, guide them and help them grow.

2.   #NOFREEDOM

In connection with no.1, I’ve heard this from a lot of friends. “It feels like I have no freedom”. Again, as a person given the gift of single blessedness, I don’t get it. I don’t get why you still choose to stay in a relationship where you have no freedom. Where you can’t do whatever you want. Because your lover will be mad if you do this, or say that, or go to a particular place. You act as if you lover sees and hears everything that you do. *sigh* I feel suffocated just thinking about it.

But then again. I try to understand. Thou it is hard. When I try to understand why, it would always come down to love. It’s because you love the person. Because you love them that’s why you play by their rules. You love them that’s why you do everything they say even if it ruins the fun. You act as if they can see your every move because you love them. OKAY OKAY. I get it.

That’s something we, single people won’t understand. Because we’re not committed to anybody. We don’t have anyone else to think of but ourselves. We get to do whatever we want, whenever we want and we get to talk and be with whomever we want.

I indeed, am in no position to say this but you should trust your lover enough to let them make their own decisions. Guide, not instruct. Give yourselves freedom. Let each other have your own identities. Let them enjoy their own companies. Let’s face it, The world doesn’t revolve around you. Let your partner communicate with other people. Empower each other and let each other experience things separately. Because if you’re really meant to be together, then you have a lifetime to do and experience a lot of things together. 

Long Distance

        Nobody will blame you if you don’t believe in long distance relationships. Simply because it never worked with any of the people you know. Sure the love may have been true before one of them had to leave the other in a far away land. Sure they may have tried to work things out but it is man’s nature to look for physical contact especially if they’re used to it.

        If you were the one left and your significant other had to leave wont you miss him? You were used to having her beside you, to love you and hold you and suddenly she’s not around anymore. You were so used to picking her up from work, buying gifts for her and giving her the world and suddenly, you have no one to give all the affection to. Well, at least not physically. You’d feel like shit right? THEN one day a guy shows interest in you. Of course you’d resist. But eventually, (admit it) one day you might find yourself confused although you really do love your boyfriend but its just that he’s not here with you. He’s not able to do the things that he used to do and here’s this guy doing all sorts of affectionate things.

        Because you truly love your partner-who is by the way- hundred and thousands of miles away from you, you’d initially stand your ground. You’d refuse this new guy because you made a promise that you’ll wait for your partner. You’ll wait for him to come back, faithfully, truly.   

        But the question is, is he doing the same? Let’s face it, men will be men. But will he be man enough to stay faithful to you even if he’s itching for physical touch? Will he man up to refuse all possible temptations that may come his way? Will your love for each other be enough for the both of you to stand your grounds?

        There will be limitless questions as to how can you be sure that this long distance relationship will work. But at the end of the day, it is not for us to judge or doubt your relationship. It is up to you and your partner to prove-not to us but to yourselves that you can overcome this challenge. It is up to you to utilize the foundations you built in this relationship. Love will always be there, but trust-is another matter. You shouldn’t take for granted the trust that your partner has given you. If you yourself confused or in a crisis of breaking your partner’s trust, ask yourself : “Is it worth it?”. Four simple words that will determine the future of your relationship. Are you willing to make this mistake that will scar your relationship for life?

        As I’ve said before, it is up to the both of you to make this long distance relationship work. Only the two of you can do that. Love, each other as if they’ll be your last, trust each other as if your lives are on the line and have faith that God will help you get through times and always thank Him for the good times. 

SINGLE, TOOK TOO LONG TO MINGLE

        For someone who was in an abusive relationship, opening up to another would be difficult. The heart can only take so much pain, and the thought of going through it all over again is simply devastating. Fear will be your enemy. So in turn, you’ll push away anyone who could possibly care or want to be with you. Thinking that you can do without a man, with which you have been doing for the past two years. You are a strong, independent woman. You’ve pulled yourself together, fixed the broken pieces. You fixed your relationship with your family, focused on your studies, found a new hobby, and started a business with your best friend, the list goes on. But you can honestly admit that it gets lonely. There are nights when you look at your cellphone to see if anybody (aside from your friends and family) texted you. To the point where you don’t even bother to look at it at all, because you know that there’s nothing to see. How does it make you feel? Lonely, isn’t it? So what you did is you made yourself busier than you already are. Forcing yourself to work beyond your limit, stressing on unnecessary activities. You’ve been stagnant for too long that you realize that you are living a pattern that you created. That pattern makes you forget about that one thing that’s missing-a significant other. And when the time comes that you realize that you are actually missing it, you pity yourself. Thinking that you are undesirable, that nobody wants to be with you. Up to the point where you let yourself go. You either eat or drink the pain away. During those pitiful nights, have you ever thought of the guys who actually stopped by to say hi? Or those old acquaintances who wanted to get to know you more? Or that guy who is obviously into you for years but never really said anything? Have you ever thought of those poor men you turned down ruthlessly? Those poor men who had nothing to do with your last relationship. All they wanted was to get to know you more. Because you ARE desirable. You may not see what they see, but there’s definitely something that they saw in you. You were too blind from your own pain that you didn’t even bother to think how it feels in the other end. You would always make excuses that you’re “too busy” for a relationship. Or you might get distracted. And to make your friends shut up, you’ll say that the “spark” wasn’t there. How can there be a spark when you didn’t even try to light up the firework? You didn’t give them a chance to love you. A chance to fill up that void in your heart.

          And what about that guy? Whom you met during your summer escapade? That guy who felt something for you unexpectedly? With neither of you doing any effort? That guy who is so eager to be with you, goes crazy just thinking about you. That guy who will have the brightest smile once he receives your text just to see that all you said was “k”. That guy whom, for the first time in forever, gave you a little something that he made. Especially for you. That guy who treats you like you are the most fragile thing in the world. What did you do to him? Of course, like any other suitors you had, you pushed him away. But he kept coming back. You were as cold as the north pole but he managed to make fire and was still warm. How many times did you reject him? And now that you actually prepared to open up your heart, now that you’re ready, he isn’t there anymore. He got tired of waiting for you to let him in your life. You took too long to realize that maybe, just maybe its time for you to let someone fill that void in your heart. Now that he’s done, you found yourself looking for him. Missing him. Now you realize that you were unfair. Not only to That guy but to all the men you rejected. They had nothing to do with your past relationship, they weren’t the one who hurt you. They came to FIX you. To make you whole again. Let this be a lesson, you’re not too busy. You CAN have time for a guy. You won’t get distracted, you just have to balance your priorities. You can trust your heart again, just have faith. And if you’re afraid of not loving them enough, don’t worry, if he truly loves you, he’ll fill you up with love and in time, you’ll be able to love him as much as he loves you. 

Romans 12:2

 

I'm not overly religious but I believe in the words of the Lord. I live by the verses daily and recently, I just cant stop thinking about this verse. I've been wondering what this means to me and my life. 

Once a church pastor asked me, "What is YOUR dream?"

Of course my answer was "To finish my studies. So my family can be proud of me."

All my life I thought that was my dream. But he begged to differ. He told me that getting that degree is my OBLIGATION to my family. And MY dream is something I really want to do or become five years from now.

He had me thinking. For a long time. 

What is MY dream?

I've been lost and don't know where I'm going with my life. 

But now, as I'm writing this blog, I know now. I know what I want. I want to do it now. 

I want to start my business and just do what i love. 

I want to turn my hobbies into a business.

I WANT TO TURN MY DREAMS TO REALITY. 

And when I'm successful with my business, I'll go abroad, chase another dream, study, EXPLORE, DREAM AND DISCOVER. 

As simple as that. 

BUT What if, 

What if my obligation is the only thing holding me back from chasing my dreams?

I do want to make my family proud. But I can't do it as long as I'm tied to that obligation.Maybe that's why I'm not doing well in school. I'm not making excuses. Its just how I feel. 

I just feel like getting a degree is a requirement to society.

Its a standard in this world we live in. 

And I am very much aware that getting a college degree is imperative to my success. 

"Education is the KEY. But what if education is the key and school is the lock?" -Suli Breaks

Okay, to make the long story short, let me just share the video where I got all these mind boggling thoughts. Take time.

I WILL get that degree. I swear. 

But for now. Like, right now. 

I JUST WANT TO CHASE MY DREAMS. 

I just want to forget the standards of the world and be myself. Be who I want to be. Be the kind of woman God wants me to be.

I do have a dream. All I need is support and monetary aid. HAHAHA :)