I
am writing this to inform you about the things that I probably won’t be able to
say nor show you at first, because I have this thick shell protecting my inner
self. You see, I’ve had my heart broken, by that I mean shattered. We may get
into those details when the right time comes. But that heartbreak took away my
ability to trust. I’ve locked my heart and kept it in a place where even I can’t
have access to it sometimes. I shut out anyone who could possibly love me in
the fear of getting hurt. And whenever I give a prospective lover a chance, and
when I find myself wanting him, or even considering of letting him in, I back away and always give excuses like ‘there’s
no spark’, or ‘he’s not the one’ or ‘I don’t need a man’. You know, those kind
of bullshit.
You see, I’ve been single for a long time now. I’ve had
my fair share of “alone time” and have learned a lot about myself. I know what I
want and have a lot of dreams for the future. I’m now used to doing things on
my own and not afraid of being alone. Yes, I am almost always alone, but I’m
not lonely. I’ve learned the art of enjoying my own company. I’ve dedicated
most of my time studying and doing business.
But I lack intimate and emotional experiences. When we
meet, please be patient with me. I might not be able to fully express my
feelings for you even if I really want
to. I’m so used to hiding my feelings that I myself am having a hard time
expressing it. I might be indifferent and you might think that I don’t want you
when in reality, I do.
Please take your time with me. You might need to knock my
thick shell a couple times. When we meet, I might not know what to do. So
please guide me through it. I might now know how to react to your gestures and
may miss a couple of hints. Don’t get intimidated if I come out as too strong
or too independent for your liking. Believe me, that’s just my façade.
Mr. Future, If we’ve met and we’ve been spending time
together, if you want me, go ahead.
Chances are, I want you as well. If you feel that there’s more than what we
have right now, that’s your cue. Stand firm and knock my fucking shell. But then
again, please be patient with me, because the thought of wanting you scares the
living shit out of me. It scares me a lot.
So, Mr. Future,
I’ll see you soon,
I’ll see you later,
Or I’ll see you tomorrow.
P.S.
Be strong for the both of us.
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