No more

This coming year, I've decided to finally, truly let you go.
Not like the times when you get a girlfriend and i let you go
Or those times when i couldn't reach you and say I'll let you go.
No, this time it is going to be for real.
I am truly letting to.
I got tired of waitng for something we both know is never going to happen.
I got tired of being your spare tire.
I got tired of loving someone who doesn't even see my worth.
I got tired of being there when your relationships dont work.
I got tired of abusing myself.
I gor tired of looking for you in everything i see.

I got tired of loving you.

By this time i should have gotten used to the pain of loving you
But yes, it still does hurt.
But I'm simply deciding to love myself moreand stop myself for looking for you.

To D

          You said we’re okay. That we really were okay. That we were happy together. That we’ll see where we’ll go from where we were.

          You see, that was my thoughts as well. That we’re okay. Were good together. That we could have been good for each other. But little did I know that okay meant other things to you. That we had different meanings for “okay”.

          I asked you, long ago when we were just starting in this-whatever this is-was I mean. You said you didn’t know who you were to me. That’s why you still can’t define our relationship. But that’s the point. I also don’t know what I mean to you. From the start up until now. I didn’t, couldn’t and I guess I will never know who I was to you.

          We had something. And we left it at that. Just “something”. More than friends  but less than lovers, Mutual Understanding, Friends with benefits and whatever the hell you want to call it. What we had was something undefinable. Something even we couldn’t understand.

          I kept my demons at bay by telling myself that someday, someday we’ll be able to define whatever the hell this is between us. That you’ll man up and have the courage to define this with me. Because admit it, I’ve always asked you, but I get the same answer everytime. “We’re okay”.

          I have spent months agonizing over this. Thinking what the hell I should do to define this.

          Remember when you first told me about your past? You were so ashamed to say it at first but I was so fucking proud of you to have told me. Because I understand and I fucking accept the fact that you had that kind of past and it doesn’t  bother me. Remember what I said? That I accept you and your past because what’s important is who you are right now. All that matters to me is the man I have right now.

          You thanked me, remember? Babe, I remember the exact words you said that night. I remember all the things you told me. The stories, the jokes, everyting. Even the night you said you were in love with me.

          I believed you. I held onto that. You were in love with me. I held onto it hoping that it could be the foundation of whatever we had going on.

          But little did I know that that was it. It was enough for me that you told me you loved me. I held onto it and never realized that you never said it again. Like it just slipped and you were never meant to say it.

          Remember that night you told me all about your past? I felt so honored. Because I know how much courage you must’ve taken to tell me all about it. It hit me you know. Right in the chest. As you were telling your  story, I looked at you and all I could see was the man that was strong enough to turn away from all of that. A man strong enough to handle the problem and complied with his responsibilities. I adored you. I was so fucking proud of the man you turned out to be.

          Remember those nights when we just lay side by side and you tell me about your passions? I just loved the way your eyes lit up every time you speak about those things. I loved that you know just how you can get it. I loved how proud you looked when I complement your shoes. But honestly though, I really liked them. I loved how you would send me the pictures of your newly acquired shoes. It felt as if you wanted me to be a part of it. That you’re showing me a part of your world.

          I’ve always found it so cute when you explain as to why you weren’t able to come on the day that we planned. How you tell me what happened the night before when you went our with your friends. What you did and where you went. I loved how you kept me informed. It made me feel as if you didn’t want me to doubt or worry.

          Months has passed and we were still In that grey area. We were still undefinable.

          I guess that’s all that it is. That’s where we should leave it.

          We stopped talking. No more late night conversations, no more late night rendezvous, no more nothing. And each day that pass tears me apart. I couldn’t ask you why, I have no right to demand an explanation. I was just the girl you go to when you have nothing else to do. And I let you.

          We could have been great. Together we could have built an empire.

          I understand. That’s the thing, I fucking understand. I understand that you just got out of your dreaded past and I know that the wounds are still fresh. I understand that you are just now enjoying your freedom and I understand if you can’t commit for now.

          I understand but I can’t deny the fact that the pain is eating me alive. I’m deteriorating by the day. I guess this is also my fault. I expected too much from something that was actually nothing.

          At one point you made me feel special. You made me feel high above the clouds. But I guess it was just too overwhelming for me to like someone again, maybe that’s why I expected a little too much.

          You know, we complemented each other. We both learned from our pasts and we could have handled this relationship right. But we didn’t.

          Now we no longer talk. I think maybe you’ve found someone who could fulfill your needs better than I did. It’s beyond hurtful. Seeing you happy with someone else and I can’t do anything but pretend that I’m alright. Because there was never an us right? It stings. Because I was not enough. I feel worthless and stupid. I let myself be drained by you, gave you all you needed, became what you wanted but still wasn’t enough.

          I admit. I liked you more than what I have originally planned.

Now we ignore each other, pretend the other person doesn’t exist. But I hope it wasn’t supposed to end like this. At least tell me. Make me understand. Even if its over, make me understand. 

THE LOVE THAT WAS NEVER ENOUGH

I have been doubting love for as long as I can remember. 

I was once a victim of that so called ‘love’.

Gave too much and received a little.

Loved too deep and fell too hard.

I was a witness to a true love that wasn’t enough.

They loved each other, but love alone couldn’t keep them together.

They were hurt too much and sacrificed a lot.

But sadly, the love they thought would last, ended bitterly.

When they met, they knew next to each other was what they wanted.

They believed in forever and made a vow.

For better or for worse.

But death didn’t do them apart.

Love was never enough, but they tried.

And tried

And tried

They tried until there was nothing left to fight for.

They knew they loved each other,

But they needed to let go.

They loved each other so much they had to let each other go

To save the other from all the pain

It was for the best.

Maybe one day they’ll meet somewhere,

Maybe in a place they used to go to,

Maybe by accident, or by fate.

Maybe someday they can look at each other and smile.

Maybe they can have coffee together and talk like old friends.

Maybe not to start over, but to thank each other for letting go.

For loving each other truly even if it means that they’ll be happier apart.

MORE THAN FRIENDS

He made me believe we had a chance.

We were so good together.

We clicked, no awkward silence, no hesitations.

Basketball was his passion. And I admired him for that.

He played ball, worked hard and sold shoes.

I studied, sold pastries and graduated.

Business was in our minds.

We often talk about opening up our own businesses.

We stayed up until the sun rises just talking about anything and everything under the sun.

We enjoyed our little group and drinking sessions.

We smoked, ate, kissed as we bid each other goodnight.

We go out at midnight and lay side by side.

Felt our bodies as we intertwined.

We sneak out and make excuses just to be together.

He was the guy who didn’t change even after being more than friends.

He was the guy I have been looking for all this time.

He wasn’t perfect. Nor was I.

Like me, he had a dark past.

So who was I to judge him?

I accepted who he was for what’s important is who he is right now.

We both have gone through hell in our pasts.

But that’s the thing about pasts, it prepared us for something better, and that was us.

If we didn’t go through what we have gone through, we wouldn’t have found each other and matched.

We weren’t looking for love. None expected all of this.

We were just two people, who found each other.

Not two halves that make a whole, but two wholes, making a bigger whole.

We complimented each other in a way that makes everything better.

We could have been perfect for each other.

Together we could’ve built an empire.

We were a match. Maybe that’s why we burn out.

We enjoyed each other until it became complicated.

We were at a point where we needed to make a conclusion to whether we’ll go further or not.

We were both confused as to where we stood in each other’s lives.

None would have the courage to take the relationship further.

We left it at “more than friends”.

We made each other believe we had a chance.

That’s where running became my everything, my excuse, my distraction.

It was my escape from the pain of what might have been.

TO MR. FUTURE

            Hi, we probably haven’t met, or maybe we’ve passed each other on the streets or you’re probably one of my friends or acquaintances. Anyway, hello Mr. Future.

I am writing this to inform you about the things that I probably won’t be able to say nor show you at first, because I have this thick shell protecting my inner self. You see, I’ve had my heart broken, by that I mean shattered. We may get into those details when the right time comes. But that heartbreak took away my ability to trust. I’ve locked my heart and kept it in a place where even I can’t have access to it sometimes. I shut out anyone who could possibly love me in the fear of getting hurt. And whenever I give a prospective lover a chance, and when I find myself wanting him, or even considering of letting him in,  I back away and always give excuses like ‘there’s no spark’, or ‘he’s not the one’ or ‘I don’t need a man’. You know, those kind of bullshit.  

            You see, I’ve been single for a long time now. I’ve had my fair share of “alone time” and have learned a lot about myself. I know what I want and have a lot of dreams for the future. I’m now used to doing things on my own and not afraid of being alone. Yes, I am almost always alone, but I’m not lonely. I’ve learned the art of enjoying my own company. I’ve dedicated most of my time studying and doing business.

            But I lack intimate and emotional experiences. When we meet, please be patient with me. I might not be able to fully express my feelings for you even if I really want to. I’m so used to hiding my feelings that I myself am having a hard time expressing it. I might be indifferent and you might think that I don’t want you when in reality, I do.

            Please take your time with me. You might need to knock my thick shell a couple times. When we meet, I might not know what to do. So please guide me through it. I might now know how to react to your gestures and may miss a couple of hints. Don’t get intimidated if I come out as too strong or too independent for your liking. Believe me, that’s just my façade.

            Mr. Future, If we’ve met and we’ve been spending time together, if you want me, go ahead. Chances are, I want you as well. If you feel that there’s more than what we have right now, that’s your cue. Stand firm and knock my fucking shell. But then again, please be patient with me, because the thought of wanting you scares the living shit out of me. It scares me a lot.

            So, Mr. Future,

            I’ll see you soon,

            I’ll see you later,

            Or I’ll see you tomorrow.  

P.S.

            Be strong for the both of us.

TWO THINGS SINGLE PEOPLE WON’T UNDERSTAND

                                    

1.   ASKING PERMISSION

I am surrounded by friends who are currently in a relationship. Don’ t get me wrong but I just don’t get why they have to ask permission as to whether they can do things or go to places with their friends. It’s like they’re asking permission to their lover more than they ask their parents. (Makes sense right?)

And if their lover says ‘NO’, then that’s the end of it. No buts, no explanations. If they do insist, they have to prepare a 500+ slide as to why they have to do the activity or go to places with their friends. AND the said friends should be approved of by their lover. If the lover doesn’t like the friends, then it’s clearly a NO.

Okay, enough with the rants. As an individual with the gift of single blessedness, we kinda don’t get it. Why do you have to ask permission to do a movie marathon with your girl friends? Or meet a former classmate whom you haven’t seen in years? You get my point?

Well, as bitter as I might sound right now, a part of me actually understands. You’re in a relationship and there are rules that you have to follow. And you comply out of respect. Sure, it’s sweet that your lover is being protective and all, but sometimes they tend to be a bit overboard. This might sound cliché or something but isn’t love enough? Enough to trust your lover? Forbidding them to do things, well for me, is like commanding a possession. You shouldn’t tell them what to do but instead, guide them and help them grow.

2.   #NOFREEDOM

In connection with no.1, I’ve heard this from a lot of friends. “It feels like I have no freedom”. Again, as a person given the gift of single blessedness, I don’t get it. I don’t get why you still choose to stay in a relationship where you have no freedom. Where you can’t do whatever you want. Because your lover will be mad if you do this, or say that, or go to a particular place. You act as if you lover sees and hears everything that you do. *sigh* I feel suffocated just thinking about it.

But then again. I try to understand. Thou it is hard. When I try to understand why, it would always come down to love. It’s because you love the person. Because you love them that’s why you play by their rules. You love them that’s why you do everything they say even if it ruins the fun. You act as if they can see your every move because you love them. OKAY OKAY. I get it.

That’s something we, single people won’t understand. Because we’re not committed to anybody. We don’t have anyone else to think of but ourselves. We get to do whatever we want, whenever we want and we get to talk and be with whomever we want.

I indeed, am in no position to say this but you should trust your lover enough to let them make their own decisions. Guide, not instruct. Give yourselves freedom. Let each other have your own identities. Let them enjoy their own companies. Let’s face it, The world doesn’t revolve around you. Let your partner communicate with other people. Empower each other and let each other experience things separately. Because if you’re really meant to be together, then you have a lifetime to do and experience a lot of things together. 

Long Distance

        Nobody will blame you if you don’t believe in long distance relationships. Simply because it never worked with any of the people you know. Sure the love may have been true before one of them had to leave the other in a far away land. Sure they may have tried to work things out but it is man’s nature to look for physical contact especially if they’re used to it.

        If you were the one left and your significant other had to leave wont you miss him? You were used to having her beside you, to love you and hold you and suddenly she’s not around anymore. You were so used to picking her up from work, buying gifts for her and giving her the world and suddenly, you have no one to give all the affection to. Well, at least not physically. You’d feel like shit right? THEN one day a guy shows interest in you. Of course you’d resist. But eventually, (admit it) one day you might find yourself confused although you really do love your boyfriend but its just that he’s not here with you. He’s not able to do the things that he used to do and here’s this guy doing all sorts of affectionate things.

        Because you truly love your partner-who is by the way- hundred and thousands of miles away from you, you’d initially stand your ground. You’d refuse this new guy because you made a promise that you’ll wait for your partner. You’ll wait for him to come back, faithfully, truly.   

        But the question is, is he doing the same? Let’s face it, men will be men. But will he be man enough to stay faithful to you even if he’s itching for physical touch? Will he man up to refuse all possible temptations that may come his way? Will your love for each other be enough for the both of you to stand your grounds?

        There will be limitless questions as to how can you be sure that this long distance relationship will work. But at the end of the day, it is not for us to judge or doubt your relationship. It is up to you and your partner to prove-not to us but to yourselves that you can overcome this challenge. It is up to you to utilize the foundations you built in this relationship. Love will always be there, but trust-is another matter. You shouldn’t take for granted the trust that your partner has given you. If you yourself confused or in a crisis of breaking your partner’s trust, ask yourself : “Is it worth it?”. Four simple words that will determine the future of your relationship. Are you willing to make this mistake that will scar your relationship for life?

        As I’ve said before, it is up to the both of you to make this long distance relationship work. Only the two of you can do that. Love, each other as if they’ll be your last, trust each other as if your lives are on the line and have faith that God will help you get through times and always thank Him for the good times.