SINGLE, TOOK TOO LONG TO MINGLE

        For someone who was in an abusive relationship, opening up to another would be difficult. The heart can only take so much pain, and the thought of going through it all over again is simply devastating. Fear will be your enemy. So in turn, you’ll push away anyone who could possibly care or want to be with you. Thinking that you can do without a man, with which you have been doing for the past two years. You are a strong, independent woman. You’ve pulled yourself together, fixed the broken pieces. You fixed your relationship with your family, focused on your studies, found a new hobby, and started a business with your best friend, the list goes on. But you can honestly admit that it gets lonely. There are nights when you look at your cellphone to see if anybody (aside from your friends and family) texted you. To the point where you don’t even bother to look at it at all, because you know that there’s nothing to see. How does it make you feel? Lonely, isn’t it? So what you did is you made yourself busier than you already are. Forcing yourself to work beyond your limit, stressing on unnecessary activities. You’ve been stagnant for too long that you realize that you are living a pattern that you created. That pattern makes you forget about that one thing that’s missing-a significant other. And when the time comes that you realize that you are actually missing it, you pity yourself. Thinking that you are undesirable, that nobody wants to be with you. Up to the point where you let yourself go. You either eat or drink the pain away. During those pitiful nights, have you ever thought of the guys who actually stopped by to say hi? Or those old acquaintances who wanted to get to know you more? Or that guy who is obviously into you for years but never really said anything? Have you ever thought of those poor men you turned down ruthlessly? Those poor men who had nothing to do with your last relationship. All they wanted was to get to know you more. Because you ARE desirable. You may not see what they see, but there’s definitely something that they saw in you. You were too blind from your own pain that you didn’t even bother to think how it feels in the other end. You would always make excuses that you’re “too busy” for a relationship. Or you might get distracted. And to make your friends shut up, you’ll say that the “spark” wasn’t there. How can there be a spark when you didn’t even try to light up the firework? You didn’t give them a chance to love you. A chance to fill up that void in your heart.

          And what about that guy? Whom you met during your summer escapade? That guy who felt something for you unexpectedly? With neither of you doing any effort? That guy who is so eager to be with you, goes crazy just thinking about you. That guy who will have the brightest smile once he receives your text just to see that all you said was “k”. That guy whom, for the first time in forever, gave you a little something that he made. Especially for you. That guy who treats you like you are the most fragile thing in the world. What did you do to him? Of course, like any other suitors you had, you pushed him away. But he kept coming back. You were as cold as the north pole but he managed to make fire and was still warm. How many times did you reject him? And now that you actually prepared to open up your heart, now that you’re ready, he isn’t there anymore. He got tired of waiting for you to let him in your life. You took too long to realize that maybe, just maybe its time for you to let someone fill that void in your heart. Now that he’s done, you found yourself looking for him. Missing him. Now you realize that you were unfair. Not only to That guy but to all the men you rejected. They had nothing to do with your past relationship, they weren’t the one who hurt you. They came to FIX you. To make you whole again. Let this be a lesson, you’re not too busy. You CAN have time for a guy. You won’t get distracted, you just have to balance your priorities. You can trust your heart again, just have faith. And if you’re afraid of not loving them enough, don’t worry, if he truly loves you, he’ll fill you up with love and in time, you’ll be able to love him as much as he loves you. 

Romans 12:2

 

I'm not overly religious but I believe in the words of the Lord. I live by the verses daily and recently, I just cant stop thinking about this verse. I've been wondering what this means to me and my life. 

Once a church pastor asked me, "What is YOUR dream?"

Of course my answer was "To finish my studies. So my family can be proud of me."

All my life I thought that was my dream. But he begged to differ. He told me that getting that degree is my OBLIGATION to my family. And MY dream is something I really want to do or become five years from now.

He had me thinking. For a long time. 

What is MY dream?

I've been lost and don't know where I'm going with my life. 

But now, as I'm writing this blog, I know now. I know what I want. I want to do it now. 

I want to start my business and just do what i love. 

I want to turn my hobbies into a business.

I WANT TO TURN MY DREAMS TO REALITY. 

And when I'm successful with my business, I'll go abroad, chase another dream, study, EXPLORE, DREAM AND DISCOVER. 

As simple as that. 

BUT What if, 

What if my obligation is the only thing holding me back from chasing my dreams?

I do want to make my family proud. But I can't do it as long as I'm tied to that obligation.Maybe that's why I'm not doing well in school. I'm not making excuses. Its just how I feel. 

I just feel like getting a degree is a requirement to society.

Its a standard in this world we live in. 

And I am very much aware that getting a college degree is imperative to my success. 

"Education is the KEY. But what if education is the key and school is the lock?" -Suli Breaks

Okay, to make the long story short, let me just share the video where I got all these mind boggling thoughts. Take time.

I WILL get that degree. I swear. 

But for now. Like, right now. 

I JUST WANT TO CHASE MY DREAMS. 

I just want to forget the standards of the world and be myself. Be who I want to be. Be the kind of woman God wants me to be.

I do have a dream. All I need is support and monetary aid. HAHAHA :)

My "Best Friends"

 Who DOESN'T have a best friend? Raise your hand! 

Oh, no one?
Seriously?
okay.
So everybody has a best friend right?
I guess we're all set up now.

Sooo, what is a bestfriend?

A best friend is someone whom you can talk to about anything ang everything under the sun, or the moon,.
Someone whom you can share your secrets to, and knows almost everything about you.
Someone who would laugh at your dryest jokes,
Someone who treats you like a brother or sister,
someone you can be with every single day without being bored,
Someone who's content just by having you,
Someone who feels incomplete and lonely when you're not around,
Someone who feels like "another you"


I could go on and on and on.
BUT its just now that I realize that I don't have a permanent best friend, like a super best friend. Or do I have? Maybe I do, I dunno. Well, I have HAD multiple best friends before. (Seriously) I had a lot of them.
I don't know what's gotten into me but I'm pretty sure I am going to regret this. simply because I HAD  a lot of so called best friends.

Let me start with the first best friend that I can remember.
Let's just call her Si. 
Si and I have been classmates since well, kinder I guess?
Si have a fair complection, which makes me look ever darker when I'm with her.She's also chubby. Which makes her cute. :)
Her family has Spanish blood if I'm not mistaken.
She's really cute. :) Kawaii no desu!
She lives an hour or so away from our school so she always have like two bags of frozen water bottles. Plus a small jug. (you can imagine how thirsty she was)
And she and I loved anime. 
And I remember, Si and I used to love the anime UFO BABY and would talk about it a lot.
We loved the idea of having a baby with the ability to fly whenever he wants and of course the HUGE TALKING CAT. Plus the adventures were really fun and the series shows the value of a family. And teen love. and romance. And responsibilities.

'Ma ta a ni na ne,
mutsi tu du da roooo.!
Ta ne na no, te ne mutsi tu da rooo...'

That was our friendship song adapted from the anime.. Don't judge.

But unfortunately, for some reasons, I had to move to the city and live with my grandparents. It was heartbreaking because i had to leave all my friends whom i literally grew up with.
But of course it doesn't end there. i would always make sure I come home every vacation and still be with my friends .
Si and i would often exchange letters to each other each time I come home. We would give each oter multiple letters that waited for the day that i come home.
It was really touching. knowing that I'll recieve letters from my bestfriend and knowing that she took time and effort to write those letter. it means that even thou we're not together all the time, she still thninks of me. :)

But of course all good things must come to an end. We grew up and knda forgot to write letters.
And there was a time when I came back to the province to study there for a year. I thought that I could finally spend time with my best friend again and relieve all the happy memories! but I was wrong. When I came back, she already had another best friend. And I think they were closer than we were. (Ugh, heartbreaking!):

Okay! Moving on!

So my next best friend will be called Di,
I met her when i was in the 5th grade. We were classmates obviously.
Di is also light skinned but thin. Like really thin.
Her family has Japanese blood, she has two older brothers and lives a block away from my grandparent's house.  Yay!

She was a quiet person and of course an anime fan! :)
That time she was crazy about Chobits. And eventually, i became crazy about it as well.
Chobits was a story about a Persocom. like a person-computer.
Chii was the main persocom character and she has a twin sister, Elda?? I can't remember. but anyway, since the characters were twins, Di and I fantasized like all the time that we were twins, (which is completely crazy because I am dark skinned and chubby, and she was the opposite of that. soooo)
Moving on!
our friendship continued during the 6th grade, we weren't classmates anymore but we were only a room away from each other. Plus did i mention thet she lives only a block away from me?
So, they used to have a computer and a PS2 shop. After Chobits, we obsessed over the japanese game called Fatal Frame. which is really creepy and scary by the way.It was a story about twin sisters (again with the twins!) who got lost in the forest and found themselves in an old and abandoned place where a huge massacare took place, they lost each other and found out that they were reincarnations of the crazy lady who killed everybody. ANYWAY. it was a twisted story and creepy. like very, creepy.
Still, Di and i loved the game and we even played the third version of the game! (Nerds)


Our friendship lasted for about three years but unfortunately, this time, she was the one that had to move. And apparently, our friendship ended there. Just like that.

Now she's back we don't even talk anymore. :(

Also during the 6th grade in elementary, I met Iya, Beb, Jes and Cat.
to make the long story short, my family didn't like Iya's family that much so I kinda had to stay away from her. But we still talk up to this day.
Beb lost her way, like really lost, i wonder where she is right now,?
Jes? I have no contact with her since she switched schools.
And Cat? She's my neighbor! HAHA. But we don't talk anymore. Only when I buy from their store. 

NEXT!

The next bestfriend will be called El, hes gay. :)
don't get me wrong but gays are super fun to be with.
I met him during my third year in high shcool. I was in the choir back then, (yes, i do sing) and maybe that was the reason why we became friends. And at that time, Mariah Carey released her song 'Bye Bye' which was a beautiful song and El and I loveeeeed singing that song. El had a very deep voice, (imagine how hard it was for him to sing an MC song) :)

Our friendship lasted for about a year and a half.
Because,.... Well he did something stupid during the fourth year in highschool and he didn't tell me the truth leaving me looking like a fool protecting him. Seriously. Never do that to a friend!

Sooo,
Also during the third year in highschool, I met Jeth, Jeth has a really long name, like his mother couldn't decide which name to give him. :)
We happened to be seatmates. Jeth and I became really close, he started sharing his feelings, about a girl, or even about his family. We were just connecting! We loved taking pictures together, and singing together and talking and laughing. i could go on. Seriously.
Oh that kid always bring a face towel because he always have a runny nose.
I remember I gave him a scarf during our christmas party and since then, he never used a face towel again! Silly kid.
Also, I think it was his birthay when I gave him his first pair of boxer shorts.( He confessed that it was his first pair so..)
i even met his family, his cute little sister, his hot mom and his dad (amazing singer btw).
Jeth and I were more like brothers and sisters.
Our friendship didn't end but I think the best friend part did,
College happened and we went to different schools BUT you'd be happy to know (well I am) that when we see each other, we never forget to hug and catch up. :) Even for a few minutes.

ALSO. During the third year in highschool, I met Lei, Aira, Haira and Jae.
We called our group the PG's. (Patay Gutom) Because we were always eating!
our favorites were Tempura and Boy Bawang.
We joined txt clans and all that. Juna and Haira were sisters, but they weren't twins. they were always in a fight and they had their own language. (they were muslims btw)
Jae was a little gangster and Lei was just like me.

Sooo, I'll stop here. For now. because my fingers are tired and I had to reminisce.
WHY DID I EVEN DO THIS BEST FRIEND BLOG THING?!
(sigh.)

I'll post part two in a few days, sus. parang may gusto makaalam!
May nagbabasa ba neto? o ako lang? HAHAHA
k. bye.

Where am I going with my life?

Have you ever found yourself caught up deep into your thoughts just pondering over who, what, when and most especially, where you're going with your life?

I know I have.

Everyday I wake up late after my alarm rang and snoozed for more that 10 times. (No kidding)

you know, waking up is the hardest thing to do when you're unsure of yourself.
Unsure of what may happen that day, the day after that, and the remaining days of the year.
When you're unsure whether or not there IS a bright future ahead of you. Because you know you gave up on yourself a long long time ago.
After the realization of waking up to reality and that you're dreams are over, you'd find yourself repeating the same things over and over everyday.
I, honestly, feel like I've been doing the same things everyday. Like Waking up "Half-Alive".
Then the scene in the shower. While the cold water runs down from my scalp down to the tips of my feet. I often stare at the wall blankly, and quench my fists onto it, there at that very moment I'd ask myself, "Where am I going with my life?".
 It scares me. It scares me a lot because I myself don't know the answer to my own question. I don't know how to deal with my own self. I don't know how to fix myself.

 I don't know where I'm going with my life. And I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. What the fuck am I doing just sitting around and watching the hours take by? C'mon I'm not Ana. And I certainly am not Elsa. But I did let my life freeze for the longest time. Too long that I cant even remember when it all started. I've become stagnant. I've become content in just being the same way everyday. I just let things slip away.
What am I doing-NO.
WHAT HAVE I NOT BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?
WHY am I not doing ANYTHING?
WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF?!

Oh yeah.
I'm afraid of failing.
But you know what? I've been trying to do things right. Everytime I try to turn things around, whenever I try to turn 180degrees, I try too hard that it becomes a 360. I try too hard that I find myself failing.

I ask myself that way too much.
But I've come to the conclusion that I've become nothing. Just another useless human being. Just another unfixable rugged doll. Another broken mirror.
I've become nothing like what they expected me to be. Nothing like what I wanted myself  to be.
Did i mention that I'm "half-alive"?
Yeah. that's me. I've become so hopeless that I myself can't even see my worth.
I myself can't figure out how to fix myself.
I've become ...
What? ..

You know, most of the time I think about the past and think of what I could have been if I followed every rule there was? I I listened to everything the elders told me. If I lived up to their expectations and gave them what they wanted for me? If I just became the good girl I always had to be? If I.. If I..
Deep in that thought, I would always find myself having a huge sigh, Because its all in the past now. And there is no way I could bring back time.
All I have not are the memories of what might have been.

Pessimistic huh?
Sorry. Its just me. Its just who I am. I tried my best and still am trying to be as optimistic as I can be. Believe me, I'm trying.

So, in the end, no matter what happened and what will happen, Where do I go?
You know I've always wanted to go overseas, to work abroad, to go to a place where no one knows who I am, Who I was. I want to try and live by myself. To work by myself. To a place where there is nobody who knows me that will help me. I want to try and find new people who is willing to help me 
 and not list down things for me to do. I want to start anew. I want to experience the things that most of my family members have experienced. Like what my mom has. I want to be able to stand up for myself and be successful. and I believe the only way for me to do that is for me to go to a distant place. Away from all the familiar faces.I want to try things on my own. that's where I want to go.

Every waking day is a decision.
A decision if I'll keep the life of being half-alive,
or a decision for me to take a huge leap forward.

I wont make promises from now on. Cuz you know what they say right? "Promises are meant to be broken". Yeah maybe not all the time. But most of the time.
but I'll promise myself to REMIND myself about that big leap.
I still have one year left in college. (My own personal penalty for all the bad things I did in the past. DON'T ASK.)
I'll start over. And If I fail. I'll keep standing up and keep starting over. If I have keep starting over and over and over again, I would.

.
.
.
.

I would.