I know I have.
Everyday I wake up late after my alarm rang and snoozed for more that 10 times. (No kidding)
you know, waking up is the hardest thing to do when you're unsure of yourself.
Unsure of what may happen that day, the day after that, and the remaining days of the year.
When you're unsure whether or not there IS a bright future ahead of you. Because you know you gave up on yourself a long long time ago.
After the realization of waking up to reality and that you're dreams are over, you'd find yourself repeating the same things over and over everyday.
I, honestly, feel like I've been doing the same things everyday. Like Waking up "Half-Alive".
Then the scene in the shower. While the cold water runs down from my scalp down to the tips of my feet. I often stare at the wall blankly, and quench my fists onto it, there at that very moment I'd ask myself, "Where am I going with my life?".
It scares me. It scares me a lot because I myself don't know the answer to my own question. I don't know how to deal with my own self. I don't know how to fix myself.
I don't know where I'm going with my life. And I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. What the fuck am I doing just sitting around and watching the hours take by? C'mon I'm not Ana. And I certainly am not Elsa. But I did let my life freeze for the longest time. Too long that I cant even remember when it all started. I've become stagnant. I've become content in just being the same way everyday. I just let things slip away.
What am I doing-NO.
WHAT HAVE I NOT BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?
WHY am I not doing ANYTHING?
WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF?!
Oh yeah.
I'm afraid of failing.
But you know what? I've been trying to do things right. Everytime I try to turn things around, whenever I try to turn 180degrees, I try too hard that it becomes a 360. I try too hard that I find myself failing.
I ask myself that way too much.
But I've come to the conclusion that I've become nothing. Just another useless human being. Just another unfixable rugged doll. Another broken mirror.
I've become nothing like what they expected me to be. Nothing like what I wanted myself to be.
Did i mention that I'm "half-alive"?
Yeah. that's me. I've become so hopeless that I myself can't even see my worth.
I myself can't figure out how to fix myself.
I've become ...
What? ..
You know, most of the time I think about the past and think of what I could have been if I followed every rule there was? I I listened to everything the elders told me. If I lived up to their expectations and gave them what they wanted for me? If I just became the good girl I always had to be? If I.. If I..
Deep in that thought, I would always find myself having a huge sigh, Because its all in the past now. And there is no way I could bring back time.
All I have not are the memories of what might have been.
Pessimistic huh?
Sorry. Its just me. Its just who I am. I tried my best and still am trying to be as optimistic as I can be. Believe me, I'm trying.
So, in the end, no matter what happened and what will happen, Where do I go?
You know I've always wanted to go overseas, to work abroad, to go to a place where no one knows who I am, Who I was. I want to try and live by myself. To work by myself. To a place where there is nobody who knows me that will help me. I want to try and find new people who is willing to help me
and not list down things for me to do. I want to start anew. I want to experience the things that most of my family members have experienced. Like what my mom has. I want to be able to stand up for myself and be successful. and I believe the only way for me to do that is for me to go to a distant place. Away from all the familiar faces.I want to try things on my own. that's where I want to go.
Every waking day is a decision.
A decision if I'll keep the life of being half-alive,
or a decision for me to take a huge leap forward.
I wont make promises from now on. Cuz you know what they say right? "Promises are meant to be broken". Yeah maybe not all the time. But most of the time.
but I'll promise myself to REMIND myself about that big leap.
I still have one year left in college. (My own personal penalty for all the bad things I did in the past. DON'T ASK.)
I'll start over. And If I fail. I'll keep standing up and keep starting over. If I have keep starting over and over and over again, I would.
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